Today was an utterly shit day.

I had a panic attack last night- I fear this going-off-my-meds expedition is not proving as fruitful as hoped. I have shed tears pretty much every day for the past week. Last night I was exhausted from work and it made me all teary. Then a cold word from S. pushed me over the edge. I shut myself in the walk-in and cried, feeling the overwhelming physical pain of it all washing over me. S. came in after a while and seemed to be frustrated, annoyed at the fact that I was crying. One of my greatest fears is that things will eventuate as they did the last time we were together, when we broke up amidst explosive arguments, tears, accusations. And when he seems cold and distant, when I so desperately want, need him to gather me in his arms, to truly comfort and reassure me that everything was ok.

Basically, the whole situation denigrated into a god-awful fight, concluded with me having a headache and being unable to sleep as I was terrified that he would be mad at me today.

And then today, despite having agreed to stay at my place tonight, he told me he would be staying at his place.

I do not pretend that I am right or that this is rational, but I felt, I feel, abandoned, bereft.

Then after an arduous day at work, I get on the train, only to be confronted by some kids (like 15) who tried to mug me. Luckily, this guy overheard and threatened them and they left me alone.

So now I'm sitting in my little tower, contemplating taking a sleeping pill just so I can get to sleep. I can never sleep when I'm by myself.